Guy Ritchie did an interview with Esquire magazine where he reveals his true thoughts on his ex-wife Madonna… he still loves her and he thinks she’s retarded. Gotta love ex-husbands!

“She’s a manifester, if there ever was one,” he says. “First-rate manifester. Madonna makes things happen. Put Madonna up against any twenty-three-year-old, she’ll outwork them, outdance them, outperform them. The woman is broad.”

“Broad,” I say, repeating the word of the day.

“And, of course, here you go: I still love her,” he says. He takes a breath, drives through a red light. If no one is ahead of him, Guy Ritchie does not typically stop. “But she’s retarded, too.”

It’s rocky getting a divorce, innit? I say.

“You can’t tell someone when they’re getting divorced that their pain is an illusion,” he says. “I’m f*cking telling you, I feel it, I’ve been through that. You have, too. No one can say you don’t feel that.”

Robert Downey Jr. will be the title character in Guy Ritchie’s adaptation of Sherlock Holmes. The movie is going to be a darker version of the tale, featuring Jude Law as Dr. John Watson (Holmes’ sidekick that is usually short and fat). Look for this film in mid-November (I’m hearing a November 13th release date). Until then… enjoy reading the script. You can get it here.

Guy Ritchie and Madonna have reached some sort of settlement in their divorce proceedings. The awesome thing… Guy Ritchie does not want one cent of Madonna’s fortune. (You know, he’s made quite the name for himself directing movies that didn’t star Madonna and were actually freaking good.)

A source said, “It will be all over by the end of the month. The priority for him has always been the children. Ritchie has not wanted her money. He has done exactly what Billie Piper did when she divorced Chris Evans. She walked away without any of his money, much to her credit. Guy Ritchie has done the same.”

Guy Ritchie had to “work to enrich his wife’s emotional and spiritual well being” and ordered him to devote several hours a week to reading Kabbalah texts with Madonna. It even had instructions on what words Guy should use during rows “to resolve conflicts in a constructive way”. Guy, 40, was instructed never to shout at Madge, 50, but instead look her in the eye and say: “I understand that my actions have upset you, please work with me to resolve this.” The marriage rules said both parties must “devote time to our sexual expressiveness” and “not use sex as a stick to beat one another”. Sources said Madonna pinned the contract up in their New York home after they saw marriage counselors two years ago, and would say to her husband, “Contract, Guy, contract” if he broke the rules.

You’ve got to be kidding me. We all knew she was nuts, but this is seriously insane. What gives Madonna the right to rule over someone like that?
What a b*tch.

In the midst of preparing for the Fourth of July, there are crazy rumors flying about three big name celebs. It’s like six degrees of divorcing. I am going to try my best to get this story straight because I feel like everyday there is more to add. Here are the big things you should know…
1. Madonna and Guy have been rumored to be divorcing.
2. Madonna has been linked to A-Rod, everyone is saying they are doing it.
3. Last night Madonna and Guy were out at dinner and are “doing fine.”
4. A-Rod is divorcing wife, Cynthia after three months of “trouble”
5. Cynthia was linked to Lenny Kravitz, everyone is saying they did it in Paris.
6. Coincidentally, A-Rod, Lenny and Madonna all share the same manager.

Okay…I think I got it all. Man that’s confusing. Everyone should just do each other. It’s not like they aren’t already.

So today I am taking some of my interns shopping for Fourth Of July. There is nothing better than spending someone else’s money. It’s like passing ‘go’ and rolling doubles right afterwards. Guy Ritchie shouldn’t try to save his marriage. He should get his 50% of her empire and roll with it. Guy is rushing to visit Madonna as she hides out in her NYC apartmnt. She hired some high-priced divorce lawyer and there is talk of the couple splitting up. As Guy is running to Madge, it’s been reported that she is running to Alex Rodriguez (the man-whore from the Yankees).

Madonna and Guy Ritchie are getting a divorce. Surprised? Didn’t think so. I bet he told her that he was unhappy so she beat the crap out of him and he ran away with his tail between his legs. Good thing for him is that they didn’t sign a pre-nup so they split the cashola 50/50.